What did I learn from my failed adoption??
What did I learn from my failed adoption… The short answer is A LOT! When my husband and I first started our journey to have children over thirteen years ago, we agreed that we either wanted to have children that were biologically ours or not biologically ours. After we exhausted the infertility route and accepted the fact that we were not biologically going to have to children, we began our journey to adopt. About four months into our journey, we were matched with a birth mother who lived in one state while the adoption agency was located in another state. Looking back, if I knew then what I know now, we wouldn’t have submitted for the situation (I will explain later). The birth mother was not due for another five months. Needless to say, there was A LOT of drama on the birth mother’s part. Drama included, but was not limited to, fabricated stories of being beaten up and demanding more money for expenses.
A few weeks before the due date, the birth parents wanted money for the next month. The only thing was the “next month” was still a few weeks away. At that point, we had to make the decision to either give the money (through the agency, of course) or chance the adoption failing. We chose to pay the money because we wanted to make sure we did everything possible for this adoption to go through. When the due date came and went, I started to panic! I expressed my concerns to my husband. To be exact, I said to him, “I have a feeling the birth mother had the baby.” He responded to me, “I agree; I think she has, too.” At this point, I was in full panic mode! Here’s the thing- my husband has great intuition, so if he thinks something is wrong, it is! The next morning, I made some phone calls, and without disclosing too much information, I found out our birth mother gave birth a week prior. I contacted the agency- they said they would call the birth mother to check on her. A few minutes later, they called me back and said that she still hadn’t had the baby and that the birth mother was going to call me (we did have ongoing contact with the birth mother). I didn’t believe this, as my source who told me was very solid, plus her name and date of birth were confirmed and this was indeed our birth mother. About thirty minutes went by and I received another call from the agency. The birth mother admitted that she had given birth six days prior and “changed her mind” and decided to parent. Unfortunately, we found out later that she was never going to place her baby. So, what did I learn from all this? Keep reading! 1) Don’t submit for situations where the agency is located in one state and the birth mother lives in another state. The only exception is if the agency has social workers (or case workers) that are local to the birth mother and the agency representative can meet the birth mother, go with her to doctor’s appointments, and be there to counsel her. Furthermore, if you are picked, make sure the agency representative has met the birth mother and that they have done their “due diligence” prior to sending in any money to the agency. 2) Verify with the agency that the birth mother’s name is her correct legal name. If the agency says that the birth mother didn’t have any identification on her, stay away from that situation- even if they tell you that they are trying to get her an ID card. The birth mother from our failed adoption didn’t have an ID, plus she was not going by her legal name. She was married and was using her husband’s last name, which wasn’t her legal name.
3) If the situation doesn’t feel right, don’t submit. Have you ever had a gut feeling that something wasn’t right? Well, I tell all my clients, “ALWAYS go with your gut.” There is a reason you are feeling the way you do. That feeling will not go away- EVER- so if you submit, get chosen, and have a long wait for the baby to arrive- that feeling will stay with you. Despite the fact that our failed adoption was an awful experience, there was a happy ending. About eleven days after the disruption, we received a call about a baby boy who was born the day prior (I always wanted a boy- actually, two boys J). The day prior was my birthday- and by that particular birthday, my wish was to be a mom. We did submit for the situation, but I had to ask the time he was born as I was born at 5:20 pm that same day many years prior (obviously) and I wanted to know if my wish, though a bit delayed, came true- and it did. My husband and I were chosen by his birth mother. Not only did this renew my faith in the Man above, but it also renewed my faith in the adoption process. This birthday, my son will be 9 years old and he is the birthday present that keeps on giving!